you know what I mean?

so I’ve been having this conversation with friends lately and so I thought I would share it with you, blog world.

how do you breakup with a friend? it is just one of those weird relationships were the rules are not so simple. If I were dating my partner and I start to realize that eh, this is not going anywhere, well you just end it. Sometimes one party is hurt or either you both know it wasn’t heading anywhere and so the end is mutually appreciated. Friendships are an odder story, at least for me. I tend to just end things abruptly, always at a point where I feel like their is a value incongruence in the relationship. I think friendships are these validating and liberating experiences where you can enjoy your time with the other person. If you don’t enjoy spending time with the other person, well it just seems obvious that the relationship would end.

friendships tend to start on some common ground, some common denominator. Like, oh we all go to this coffee shop at 3, and then we start talking and now we are friends. But then maybe one of these people finds out the other likes to spit on birds or something odd like that and it just totally turns the person off and that common ground is no longer enough to keep the relationship going. there is a value incongruence between person a and person b and the relationship ceases to have mutual value. This happens right? and what is this “this” that is happening.

I look back on my life and I see  some  friendships that did not continue. My reaction toward people who break the unspoken rules is visceral and swift. I end things without regret and move forward with my life. It is like i am protecting something deep within my being that is now vulnerable and at risk of being lost.

Maybe this is a symptom of being in my 20s. I know that I am still in a search for the me that is me. Relationships impact that journey and the “wrong” relationships can keep us away from our authentic self. I mean in any relationship you make daily negotiations to keep things moving. You may compromise your most basic beliefs or avoid topics which you truly enjoy talking about or participate in conversations that drain your soul. At some point, my inner voice screams out STOP and I just need a break to regain my footing and ground myself.

I once went to counseling and my counselor told me “if everyone liked you, you aren’t being true to yourself.” I thought her statement was out of context, but maybe she was detecting something in me that I was , at the time, oblivious to. I imagine she was detecting this burning question I have of, should I be ending relationships like this and that, shouldn’t I hold on to everyone that comes into my life. I feel her response was a gentle yes and a reminder to not compromise what makes me me, to retain a relationship.

So if something isn’t feeding your soul it could very well be draining it, and that’s not a living. It’s not a life. It’s not a friendship. It’s just two people who show up to the same place and the same time. And while their moment of commonality was shared, their lives have diverged in natural ways. this is life.

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